Turning 26 a couple days ago made me realize that, by nature, birthdays/holidays inevitably poses the question “What do you want?” I’m not particularly fond of asking for presents, but I undoubtedly always want something. I’m not talking about tangible things (though I wouldn’t hesitate to give a set indestructible cast-iron pans and a Mark III a permanent place in my home), but mostly things I will never, ever have enough of. Despite how many opportunities have opened up for me this year, I still find myself unsatisfied with where I am in life — like how fire is never satiated with more fuel. I constantly feel think I’m falling behind, that I’m not producing enough material quickly enough, without compromising the quality of my work. It’s only been a couple of months since I completed my last painting to focus on photo shoots, but it pains me that I’m not making equal progression in both art forms at the same time. Though I am creating something, whatever that is, at all minutes of the day, I wish more hours existed to keep myself conscious, motivated, and ahead of this internal schedule I hold myself accountable to day in and day out. I simply desire to create, without the limiting factor of reality.
And in comes the balance of life… Another strong pull dwells in me to spend less time entirely consumed in my own little world (a.k.a. the studio) and spend more time strengthening relationships with people I care deeply about. Two days before my birthday, I received the tragic news that a good friend of mine has been hit by a drunk driver and immediately died. I couldn’t help but think about what our last conversation was about or how I haven’t made too much effort to keep in contact in the last year. It made me think about my family and best friends I haven’t seen in years since I moved across the world. Even the manfriend and I live and work in the same quarters together, yet time still eludes us. I’m just glad we’re on the same page, as he’s equally (if not more) busy! Still, I couldn’t bare to think about not spending enough time with people I love before their last days on earth — because I’m too preoccupied with my own agenda. Does the desire to work and be successful really consume all the time in the day? Not really. But it’s been feeling like that for awhile now. And all I want is simply the impossible: assurance that it won’t be like this forever.
Photo credits:
Photographer: Yours truly / JUNK & PO
Model: Linda White
Hair & Makeup: Renee Pesebre
Jewelry Design: Ardent Reverie
Junk & PO 